If it weren’t so heart wrenching, it would almost be amusing how many times one can be convinced that they’re “over it, this time”, when in actual fact the mind is incapable of erasing memories and feelings. They sit, stewing, in some sort of hibernation mode, waiting for you to slip up. Waiting for your moment of weakness or morbid curiosity. Waiting, silent but deadly, ready to gut you like a fish.
Feel a bit stupid if I’m honest.
Or at least I might as well be.
Can’t help but feel fucking useless, realistically know it’s mostly down to be exhausted, but sooner or later I’m gonna have to admit defeat. Tell myself I can do this, because I need to, because it’s my duty as a member of this family. But in recent years I’ve lost the ability to cope. It’s funny how much I’ve told myself that nothing had really changed, except my newfound propensity towards seizures. But 30 months down the line (fuck, it’s been ages!) I can hardly ignore my ever decreasing cognitive abilities, and I’m not really sure what I’ve got left after I lose them. Aware I’m being overdramatic and I probably just need a good rest, but I don’t know how much more of myself I can take. I can blame any aspect of my being, try and put a clinical label on why I’m so consistently unstable, but realistically I just need to get a fucking grip. (Not sure where that strength is meant to come from mind).
I’m my own worst enemy.
Doubt any of that made any sense, doubt anyone gets this far anyway. Seem to have run out of places to just let my thoughts slip out, but needed to get things off my chest if I plan on getting any sleep tonight.
Nothing more than a chemical induced fantasy, that’s what I’ll always be.
Not sure how much more of this I can take.
She said you should always dress as if you’re going to see your worst enemy; what exactly is the protocol for seeing someone who still, after all these years, makes your heart sink? You hadn’t quite planned for the prospect of being in a room with him again ever in a million years… Let alone speaking to him in the one place where you thought you’d never have to bump into anyone from ‘before’ again. It wasn’t ever really a ‘thing’, it never is. Why were you so nervous? Why the hell are you still playing it over and over again in your head? You know you’re being overdramatic, but you moved here with the vain hope of escaping everyone and everything. Luckily for anyone that may come across this, I’ve lost my trail of thought. Guess that’s the end of that then. If only it were actually that simple.
Think it’s time for blankets, take-away and Beauty and The Beast.
I find it fucking hilarious that one of the reasons I was cast aside was my filthy wonk habit, yet now your new infatuation has unveiled herself as a dirty kethead too. You sure do know how to choose ‘em.
She couldn’t get more like me if she tried… So why do I feel so inadequate? Why am I so jealous of something that doesn’t even exist?
Finally recovered from Dour, now back in London and on a serious work ting until Reading and Outlook.
There are no words to express how mind blowing Dour was: Sick people, sick vibes, sick sound systems.
Fucked my knee up again and my phone got stolen in the pit during Skindred which is pretty gutting, but it could have been worse. Watching the sun rise to the loveliest acid tirp made up for my loss. Overall, it was a cracking festival and I’m hoping the line-up’s just as good next year!
I’ve been biting my tongue for a while and it’s really starting to get to me.
We’re told that everyone is unique and whatnot, but I don’t think that’s the case. More and more often I’m seeing patterns emerge and finding people that are characteristically almost identical. Granted character traits are somewhat limited and people are bound to be a mix and match of those and similarities will inevitably be found, but this particular case is really getting on my nerves. This is way beyond coincidence.
I seem to have indirectly come across a younger, better version of myself and the feelings of inferiority are getting a bit overwhelming. I like to think I’m not the jealous type, but…
I’m aware of how petty and irrational this all is, but under the current circumstances I find it pretty stomach churning. Grumble.
- creating unnecessary problems
- feeling sorry for myself
- eating my weight in feelings
Could do with this migraine fucking off and all.
I’ve got work to do and I’d appreciate it if my mind and body would co-operate with me.